Belonging

I’ve always had difficulties fitting in. I grew up in a house full of 20-year-old college students (and my parents) and always felt sort of out of place with kids my age. All through elementary school and junior high I felt like people didn’t like me or accept me, so I avoided them, and became seriously antisocial. I had some friends at my church, but in the fifth grade we changed churches, and it took me a good four or five years to establish friendships there.

For a while in eighth and ninth grade I had some friends, but near the middle of ninth grade that feeling of being out of place crept up on me again. It got to the point where I decided to change schools (or rather, quit going to school- that’s when I decided to be fully homeschooled). I was kind of at an all time low, self-esteem-wise.  Continue reading

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Amidst the Mayhem

June is production month. I’m talking about theatre, of course. June is when I drive an hour to the theatre every single day to either have a rehearsal, work the other cast’s rehearsal, have a show, or work a show. Every single day. Except Sundays. It’s kind of insane; fortunately I’m already out of school or else I might drop dead.

Unfortunately, I got a really terrible cold several days ago. First I got a fever (while I was working backstage) and while I suspected it, I didn’t know for sure until I got home. I then broke the fever in ten minutes by trying to sleep under like five blankets. The next day I felt fine, but the day after that I completely lost my voice. I couldn’t say a word. I communicated through sign language and in one specific case, lip reading (there’s an incredibly talented lip reader on my set crew). The day after that the rest of the cold hit me, and it was pretty horrible. And amidst all this I was still going to all my rehearsals.  Continue reading

Unapproachable

I often find myself becoming attached to people I know nothing about. Most of the time this happens at theatre- I see somebody, most likely a lead, and I think, ‘hey, that person’s pretty cool. I want to get to know them.’ So what usually ends up happening is that I start thinking about what it would be like to be this person’s friend, and in the process I end up becoming a little bit terrified of them. I have an unfortunate addiction to people who are seemingly just out of reach.

This ‘out of reach’ quality could be contrived by my brain for any of number of reasons- the person is way more talented than me, they have a larger friend group, or maybe they happen to be a really cute guy (in which case the out of reach quality is multiplied by about 10,000). Anyways, my point is that I always find some reason why this person wouldn’t want to be my friend, and thus I shy away from pursuing a friendship. They’re unapproachable. Or so it seems.  Continue reading

Suck It Up

Several months ago, my knee surgeon told me that I would be able to audition for my theatre company’s next production in February, as long as I didn’t do things like jumping, running, or anything that would put too much stress on my knee. It was some of the best news I had received in a long time, as I had to miss out on the last show because of my surgery.

But we still had to ask the directors and make sure that I would be able to audition when my knee wouldn’t be at its full capacity for a few more months. I fully expected them to say that it was totally alright- I guess I got my hopes up after we talked to the surgeon. But it wasn’t alright. The directors told me that it would be in my best interest to sign up for the ensemble rather than audition for a lead, as the leads would need to be in top physical condition right off the bat. And I wouldn’t be.

When I heard this, I was bitter and upset. I didn’t get much done that day- my parents told me the unfortunate news in the morning and I spent the remaining hours wallowing in my self-pity. I was determined to stay bitter and just miss out on this show and wait until the Fall production.  Continue reading